You know, a really amazing thing about God, for me, is that He’s always there. He’s not gonna leave. Ever.
Since someone in my life left (I’m not going to talk about that person in depth right now, but he left and I miss him), it’s been a bit difficult to really love people. I’m scared they’ll leave. And I’ll miss them. So much. So much.
Sometimes it seems too good to be true, that God is always going to be with me, for all eternity. I’ll lay in bed at night, as I fall asleep, and pray, “Don’t ever leave me. Please, God, don’t ever leave me.” I’m desperate to keep Him. Sometimes it feels like He’s all I have.
No matter who leaves, no matter who I miss out of my mind, no matter who I love or who I have a crush on or who hates me or who died, God will always, always be with me. Always. At my side. Holding my hand. My God. He’s beautiful.
I can hang on to God all I want, and I’ll never lose Him. He’s my Father. My Lover. My Comforter. My All. My Savior. My Teacher. My Physician. He’s everything good. Everything.
Sometimes I’ll find myself fantasizing about someone. You know how that is. You watch a romantic movie. You read a romantic book. And you start to fantasize about all that romancey stuff happening to you.
And me, being a junior high girl… well, it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon. I have a crush, but he’s not mine. He probably never will be. I’m not gonna get married anytime soon. So fantasizing about romance is utterly useless. It gets me nothing. All it gets me is a yearning in my heart for something I cannot have. A yearning for someone I cannot have.
I’ll think about my crush, and want him, like I need him. It’s like just by thinking about him, I’m giving myself to him. And that’s stupid, because he doesn’t even know it and he is not mine. But I have this feeling of possessiveness, like I deserve him just because I’ve thought about him so much and been so infatuated with him. But I don’t. I never will. He does not belong to me. He is out of my reach.
And, dang it, that breaks my heart.
It’s so empty. How do some people live their whole lives like that? Yearning for things they cannot have, nursing the heartache they cannot place.
God is the answer. God is the only answer.
And not just romance.
When you look at a breathtakingly gorgeous landscape. Beautiful colors of the sky. A sunset so beautiful it’s almost savage. It’s like you look at it and it just devours your soul.
There’s an ache, there, that I don’t think anyone can describe. The raw beauty of nature, of life. Like you want to take a mental snapshot and keep it there, forever, like a wallpaper in your mind. A deep, deep yearn. A desire.
God is beautiful.
Okay, I just now searched “God quotes” on Google and clicked on a result on brainyquote.com (love that site, BTW), and I found a quote that I think very well captures what I am trying to say:
“That deep emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God.”
Okay, so, I know Albert Einstein was a total atheist. Isn’t it crazy that a quote from an atheist can inspire a better understanding of the beauty of God? Crazy.
Anyway, God is so beautiful it’s like when I look at the sunset, I am experiencing a slice of His glory. I want more of it. I want more of Him.
So when I feel that yearn, that inner ache, toward romance or nature or anything, I turn to God and it’s like He ignites my soul. It’s like that ache is gasoline, and God is setting my existence ablaze with His holy beauty.
When I want my crush, I instead look to God and want Him instead. And you know what’s beautiful about that? I can have Him. I am His. He is mine. There is nothing lost but the bad parts of me, yet all good is gained.
If I want a lover, God will be my Lover. If I want a man, God will be my Man. If nature is beautiful, God is the Creator, and the Creator is so much better than the created. He is infinite. Unchanging. Eternal. Forever.
I take Him for granted so often. I sit there and think how great life would be if I just had that person. You know what I mean?
And there’s God, right there with me, mine to love, and I just forget about Him. I’m so… stupid.
God is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I don’t ever want to forget.
God is all I want to yearn for.
When I yearn for God, the yearning is full.
Because I have Him.
And He will never leave me.
Picture courtesy blog.uad.ac.id