It’s about time

I seem to be finding myself drifting lately. I’m not entirely sure why. I get caught up in other things, and I forget God. And I hate it.

Life without Him is empty, and dead. And sometimes it seems like other things can fill up His place, but they can’t. They truly cannot. Nothing can. Nothing but God can fill God’s place. And absolutely nothing can compare to His amazing love. Oh, His amazing love, that we can run into His open arms, what a relief, what a relief! That He will accept our burdens onto His own shoulders, the God of all creation, the One who deserves everything good. How is this, that He would relieve me of my own pain, caused by my own sin?

It’s not something that should be taken lightly, what I’ve been doing. I just pick the right time and place to pay any attention to God. And then, wow, who knew, it doesn’t really feel real when I finally look at Him, after so long apart, simply because it’s my duty. Simply because I don’t want to go to hell when I die.

When I spend less time with God, it seems like that empty time becomes filled with loneliness, with sadness, with yearning and longing. What a fool I am, that I haven’t even learned from my own mistakes. Even knowing everything apart from God is ugly and empty, I still accept worldliness before God.

Why skimp myself of God’s true love? Why run from God’s beautiful eyes, His beautiful arms, His beautiful hands, His beautiful face, His beautiful love? There’s no point. It doesn’t make sense.

I say I love God. Do I really? Do I love God like I claim to?

Sometimes I’m not sure.

And do you know what?

I am sick and tired of not being sure.

It’s time to be sure. It’s time to face God, to love Him, to replace worldly emptiness with Godly fullness. It’s time to turn from terror and let Love wrap His arms around me, and protect me for all eternity. It’s time to quite wanting earthly things and just want God. It’s time to stop filling my head with lies and learn more of the truth. The unshakable, undeniable, infallible Truth of God.




My Lord.

God, dear God, dear Jesus, dear God, beloved God–

I love You.


“His face is more handsome than any other. His eyes are filled with beauty. When He is angry, His eyes burn with nothing but love.

He is strongest. His touch is gentlest. He carries me, He wraps me in His arms and He sings me to sleep. His lullaby is more comforting than any other.

He is perfect. When I call, He runs to my side. He holds my hand, and when my enemies say they hate me, He whispers that He loves me. I love Him. He speaks endless words of comfort. He breathes into me and I want my heart to beat with His.

He is perfect. He is beautiful. I am in love with Him. I am His. He is everything. He is breathtaking. He is awesome. He brings light with every step. He is the peace in all our nightmares. He is the One who loves me. He is my Father.

He is my God.”

~September 17, 2011


His voice

That sings me to sleep

His hands

That take in them mine

His arms

That carry me

His shoulder

Rest for my heavy head

His wrists

Pierced because of His love

His brow

Sweat with blood for me

His lips

Breathed life into me

Kiss my sin-pocked face

His spirit

Perfect, deserving of

Much greater than me

His love

Surrounds me, brings me peace

Unfailing, never-ending

I do not deserve it

It is mine.

~September 25, 2011

I feel like although God isn’t taking all the pain away, He is sharing the burden, and He is just pouring these immense feelings of love onto me. This love, this love of God, that just makes me want to fall on my face and sob. He loves me so much. He loves me so much. And I do that. I bow my head to the floor and I cry. I cry because oh, oh, this love, this holy love, this powerful love, this love that fills my senses and I cannot yet begin to fathom His awesome love.

God. God. Father. Lord. His is a name filled with power, filled with wonder. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was. Who is. Who is to come.”

~September 27, 2011




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Song and video by Leeland courtesy



I haven’t posted anything new in a pretty long time… things are busy, for me, and to be honest, I haven’t had much inspiration for something new to write in a while. In fact, I’ve hardly been able to write in my diary at all for the past few days… it’s like nothing’s really been happening too much. Of course, I know things have been happening, but everything seems kind of null.

School is hard. That nightmare I had has been haunting me.

Of course, no computers at my school have blown up yet. I’m not paranoid at school, per say, but every time I think of that dream I feel incredibly lonely. Incredible darkness. Just that feeling, of walking in to my English class, and everyone was dead. The dream wasn’t bloody or anything, which is good (my deepest fear is of injuries; I persistently fail to understand our society’s love of repulsively gory things, such as horror movies and haunted houses). I didn’t actually see in detail any corpses. I walked into the classroom and the floor was all covered in computer parts and desks and I just knew everyone was dead. It was an extremely emotional dream, to an extent I’ve never had before. I was completely overwhelmed by a feeling of loss, loneliness, and, maybe above all, I felt hopeless and helpless.

It was just a dream. But it was extremely realistic. It was so realistic that I was surprised to wake up. Even after I opened my eyes, I was confused to find myself in bed.

Another part of the dream I don’t think I’ve mentioned is that my mom kept crying, but she wasn’t trying to console me. Mainly, I was trying to console her. I’d been there when the school blew up, but for some reason, I could handle it better than my mother could. We came home, and she broke down, and I couldn’t cry for the choking loss brewing in my throat. After a while, Mom got in her car and drove away, and I went outside and sat there staring at the rocks in my front yard and telling myself it was real, it wasn’t a dream, I wouldn’t be saved – even though that wasn’t true, that it was a dream.

That’s when my friend’s mom came.

dreams and wishes. 62/365

Image by ♥ via Flickr

Sorry if I’m rambling uselessly about this dream. But I need somewhere to put it all away.

In some ways, the dream has changed my view of peace. The only way I am freed from the loneliness of the memory of that dream is by running to Jesus. The dream was lonely, but it was also chaotic. Not “chaotic” like “crazy,” but chaotic like… it’s hard to describe perfectly. Maybe I mean chaotic like an inward struggle to stay composed. Chaotic like everything was completely wrong. Chaotic like the world was turned upside-down, and nothing was where it was supposed to be. You know what I mean? The sad, sad, sad kind of chaos.

Thinking of the nightmare just makes me want to die. How am I supposed to be free of that? Only God can help me.

I wonder how non-Christians deal with that kind of heavy loneliness. What do you guys do? I mean, if I weren’t a Christian, I’d have killed myself long ago. And yeah, that seems sort of over-the-top, since I’m still just a little girl, but it’s true.

But yeah. Since that dream, I think I’ve fully realized the power of peace. The indescribable feeling of relief that comes with peace. Like when I run to God, the war is still going on, but I know I’m going to win. Because the Creator of everything in existence is right here, holding me in His arms. That’s the most beautiful thing I can ever imagine.

Psalm 27:1

The LORD [is] my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD [is] the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

dramatic dream




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Trust like a sparrow

“Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins?  And not one of them is forgotten before God.”  Luke 12:6

Sometimes we, as Christians, try to make ourselves love God.  “I should care more right now,” we think.  “I should love Him.” and we try to fill ourselves with God.

But that’s not how it works; you can’t make yourself overflow with love for someone.  My youth pastor has told me, on several occasions, that love is a choice, not a feeling.

Yes, love is a choice.  I choose to love God.  Sometimes I don’t feel very faithful.  And truth is, I’m NOT very faithful.  So to make up for it, I sit there and try to “love” God.  Sometimes it’s late at night, while I sit on my bed and read the Bible; or, very often, I am at church singing praises to Him.  And I don’t feel very full, if you know what I mean.

Well, like I said in my previous post — sometimes, when you feel like God isn’t really filling you up, you just gotta drop all your emptiness and run after Him.

God will take care of us, no matter what.  That’s how He is.  He is faithful and just, no matter what happens.  He will never change.  He is always for us.  And who can be against us when He is for us?

A sparrow doesn’t try to make itself follow God.  A sparrow just DOES follow God.  Of course, we are different from sparrows.  We have much, much more to hold account for than a sparrow does.

But a sparrow trusts God blindly.  And God takes care of the sparrow.  If a sparrow decided to live on the ground and never fly, it would die.  Sparrows are meant to fly.  They are created to fly.  Just like we are created to trust God.  We are created for God.  What if one day we just decided to ignore Him?  To do exactly what He prohibits us from doing?  We would die.  And, actually, we do that.  Every day.  Non-Christians and Christians alike turn our backs to God and do our own thing.  And I, being a Christian, know what happens each and every time I do that.  Things don’t go well for me.  I break.  I cry.  I feel so desperate.  I feel like I have no support, nothing holding me back from eternal oblivion on the other side; even though that doesn’t even exist.  I feel awful when I do my own thing and ignore God.

So I constantly remind myself just to trust Him.  Trust Him blindly, like a sparrow.  If I just trust, I’ll be taken care of.  God will see after me.  That’s what He wants to do.

So, trusting blindly like a sparrow, I won’t try to fill myself with God.  I’ll just drop all my emptiness and run after Him.



Picture courtesy