Ache for God

 You know, a really amazing thing about God, for me, is that He’s always there. He’s not gonna leave. Ever.

Since someone in my life left (I’m not going to talk about that person in depth right now, but he left and I miss him), it’s been a bit difficult to really love people. I’m scared they’ll leave. And I’ll miss them. So much. So much.

Sometimes it seems too good to be true, that God is always going to be with me, for all eternity. I’ll lay in bed at night, as I fall asleep, and pray, “Don’t ever leave me. Please, God, don’t ever leave me.” I’m desperate to keep Him. Sometimes it feels like He’s all I have.

No matter who leaves, no matter who I miss out of my mind, no matter who I love or who I have a crush on or who hates me or who died, God will always, always be with me. Always. At my side. Holding my hand. My God. He’s beautiful.

I can hang on to God all I want, and I’ll never lose Him. He’s my Father. My Lover. My Comforter. My All. My Savior. My Teacher. My Physician. He’s everything good. Everything.

Sometimes I’ll find myself fantasizing about someone. You know how that is. You watch a romantic movie. You read a romantic book. And you start to fantasize about all that romancey stuff happening to you.

And me, being a junior high girl… well, it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon. I have a crush, but he’s not mine. He probably never will be. I’m not gonna get married anytime soon. So fantasizing about romance is utterly useless. It gets me nothing. All it gets me is a yearning in my heart for something I cannot have. A yearning for someone I cannot have.

I’ll think about my crush, and want him, like I need him. It’s like just by thinking about him, I’m giving myself to him. And that’s stupid, because he doesn’t even know it and he is not mine. But I have this feeling of possessiveness, like I deserve him just because I’ve thought about him so much and been so infatuated with him. But I don’t. I never will. He does not belong to me. He is out of my reach.

And, dang it, that breaks my heart.

It’s so empty. How do some people live their whole lives like that? Yearning for things they cannot have, nursing the heartache they cannot place.

God is the answer. God is the only answer.

And not just romance.

When you look at a breathtakingly gorgeous landscape. Beautiful colors of the sky. A sunset so beautiful it’s almost savage. It’s like you look at it and it just devours your soul.

There’s an ache, there, that I don’t think anyone can describe. The raw beauty of nature, of life. Like you want to take a mental snapshot and keep it there, forever, like a wallpaper in your mind. A deep, deep yearn. A desire.

For what?

For God.

God is beautiful.

 

Okay, I just now searched “God quotes” on Google and clicked on a result on brainyquote.com (love that site, BTW), and I found a quote that I think very well captures what I am trying to say:

That deep emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God.”
~Albert Einstein

Okay, so, I know Albert Einstein was a total atheist. Isn’t it crazy that a quote from an atheist can inspire a better understanding of the beauty of God? Crazy.

Anyway, God is so beautiful it’s like when I look at the sunset, I am experiencing a slice of His glory. I want more of it. I want more of Him.

So when I feel that yearn, that inner ache, toward romance or nature or anything, I turn to God and it’s like He ignites my soul. It’s like that ache is gasoline, and God is setting my existence ablaze with His holy beauty.

When I want my crush, I instead look to God and want Him instead. And you know what’s beautiful about that? I can have Him. I am His. He is mine. There is nothing lost but the bad parts of me, yet all good is gained.

If I want a lover, God will be my Lover. If I want a man, God will be my Man. If nature is beautiful, God is the Creator, and the Creator is so much better than the created. He is infinite. Unchanging. Eternal. Forever.

I take Him for granted so often. I sit there and think how great life would be if I just had that person. You know what I mean?

And there’s God, right there with me, mine to love, and I just forget about Him. I’m so… stupid.

God is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don’t ever want to forget.

God is all I want to yearn for.

When I yearn for God, the yearning is full.

Because I have Him.

And He will never leave me.

 

~Emilino

Picture courtesy blog.uad.ac.id

It’s about time

I seem to be finding myself drifting lately. I’m not entirely sure why. I get caught up in other things, and I forget God. And I hate it.

Life without Him is empty, and dead. And sometimes it seems like other things can fill up His place, but they can’t. They truly cannot. Nothing can. Nothing but God can fill God’s place. And absolutely nothing can compare to His amazing love. Oh, His amazing love, that we can run into His open arms, what a relief, what a relief! That He will accept our burdens onto His own shoulders, the God of all creation, the One who deserves everything good. How is this, that He would relieve me of my own pain, caused by my own sin?

It’s not something that should be taken lightly, what I’ve been doing. I just pick the right time and place to pay any attention to God. And then, wow, who knew, it doesn’t really feel real when I finally look at Him, after so long apart, simply because it’s my duty. Simply because I don’t want to go to hell when I die.

When I spend less time with God, it seems like that empty time becomes filled with loneliness, with sadness, with yearning and longing. What a fool I am, that I haven’t even learned from my own mistakes. Even knowing everything apart from God is ugly and empty, I still accept worldliness before God.

Why skimp myself of God’s true love? Why run from God’s beautiful eyes, His beautiful arms, His beautiful hands, His beautiful face, His beautiful love? There’s no point. It doesn’t make sense.

I say I love God. Do I really? Do I love God like I claim to?

Sometimes I’m not sure.

And do you know what?

I am sick and tired of not being sure.

It’s time to be sure. It’s time to face God, to love Him, to replace worldly emptiness with Godly fullness. It’s time to turn from terror and let Love wrap His arms around me, and protect me for all eternity. It’s time to quite wanting earthly things and just want God. It’s time to stop filling my head with lies and learn more of the truth. The unshakable, undeniable, infallible Truth of God.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

My Lord.

God, dear God, dear Jesus, dear God, beloved God–

I love You.

 

“His face is more handsome than any other. His eyes are filled with beauty. When He is angry, His eyes burn with nothing but love.

He is strongest. His touch is gentlest. He carries me, He wraps me in His arms and He sings me to sleep. His lullaby is more comforting than any other.

He is perfect. When I call, He runs to my side. He holds my hand, and when my enemies say they hate me, He whispers that He loves me. I love Him. He speaks endless words of comfort. He breathes into me and I want my heart to beat with His.

He is perfect. He is beautiful. I am in love with Him. I am His. He is everything. He is breathtaking. He is awesome. He brings light with every step. He is the peace in all our nightmares. He is the One who loves me. He is my Father.

He is my God.”

~September 17, 2011

 

His voice

That sings me to sleep

His hands

That take in them mine

His arms

That carry me

His shoulder

Rest for my heavy head

His wrists

Pierced because of His love

His brow

Sweat with blood for me

His lips

Breathed life into me

Kiss my sin-pocked face

His spirit

Perfect, deserving of

Much greater than me

His love

Surrounds me, brings me peace

Unfailing, never-ending

I do not deserve it

It is mine.

~September 25, 2011

I feel like although God isn’t taking all the pain away, He is sharing the burden, and He is just pouring these immense feelings of love onto me. This love, this love of God, that just makes me want to fall on my face and sob. He loves me so much. He loves me so much. And I do that. I bow my head to the floor and I cry. I cry because oh, oh, this love, this holy love, this powerful love, this love that fills my senses and I cannot yet begin to fathom His awesome love.

God. God. Father. Lord. His is a name filled with power, filled with wonder. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was. Who is. Who is to come.”

~September 27, 2011

 

Emilino

 

Pictures courtesy:

cosmosmagazine.com

theemptiness.info

fiery-eyes.tumblr.com

Song and video by Leeland courtesy Youtube.com

Peace

I haven’t posted anything new in a pretty long time… things are busy, for me, and to be honest, I haven’t had much inspiration for something new to write in a while. In fact, I’ve hardly been able to write in my diary at all for the past few days… it’s like nothing’s really been happening too much. Of course, I know things have been happening, but everything seems kind of null.

School is hard. That nightmare I had has been haunting me.

Of course, no computers at my school have blown up yet. I’m not paranoid at school, per say, but every time I think of that dream I feel incredibly lonely. Incredible darkness. Just that feeling, of walking in to my English class, and everyone was dead. The dream wasn’t bloody or anything, which is good (my deepest fear is of injuries; I persistently fail to understand our society’s love of repulsively gory things, such as horror movies and haunted houses). I didn’t actually see in detail any corpses. I walked into the classroom and the floor was all covered in computer parts and desks and I just knew everyone was dead. It was an extremely emotional dream, to an extent I’ve never had before. I was completely overwhelmed by a feeling of loss, loneliness, and, maybe above all, I felt hopeless and helpless.

It was just a dream. But it was extremely realistic. It was so realistic that I was surprised to wake up. Even after I opened my eyes, I was confused to find myself in bed.

Another part of the dream I don’t think I’ve mentioned is that my mom kept crying, but she wasn’t trying to console me. Mainly, I was trying to console her. I’d been there when the school blew up, but for some reason, I could handle it better than my mother could. We came home, and she broke down, and I couldn’t cry for the choking loss brewing in my throat. After a while, Mom got in her car and drove away, and I went outside and sat there staring at the rocks in my front yard and telling myself it was real, it wasn’t a dream, I wouldn’t be saved – even though that wasn’t true, that it was a dream.

That’s when my friend’s mom came.

dreams and wishes. 62/365

Image by nicole.pierce.photography ♥ via Flickr

Sorry if I’m rambling uselessly about this dream. But I need somewhere to put it all away.

In some ways, the dream has changed my view of peace. The only way I am freed from the loneliness of the memory of that dream is by running to Jesus. The dream was lonely, but it was also chaotic. Not “chaotic” like “crazy,” but chaotic like… it’s hard to describe perfectly. Maybe I mean chaotic like an inward struggle to stay composed. Chaotic like everything was completely wrong. Chaotic like the world was turned upside-down, and nothing was where it was supposed to be. You know what I mean? The sad, sad, sad kind of chaos.

Thinking of the nightmare just makes me want to die. How am I supposed to be free of that? Only God can help me.

I wonder how non-Christians deal with that kind of heavy loneliness. What do you guys do? I mean, if I weren’t a Christian, I’d have killed myself long ago. And yeah, that seems sort of over-the-top, since I’m still just a little girl, but it’s true.

But yeah. Since that dream, I think I’ve fully realized the power of peace. The indescribable feeling of relief that comes with peace. Like when I run to God, the war is still going on, but I know I’m going to win. Because the Creator of everything in existence is right here, holding me in His arms. That’s the most beautiful thing I can ever imagine.

Psalm 27:1

The LORD [is] my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD [is] the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

dramatic dream

 

Emilino

 

Pictures courtesy:

michaeltotten.com

learnoutlive.com

flickr.com

She’ll be dancing

Forgive me for waiting so long to post something new.  And yes, it IS another poem.  Really.  I sincerely apologize.

But anyway, this scene has been playing in my mind a lot lately.  The scene of a girl dancing on water, in perfect joy despite her circumstances.  I sort of want to be like that.  I think everyone does.  We all want to be happy amid crisis.  And so, my poem.

 

Everyone said

She couldn’t believe

Everyone said

Her faith wouldn’t last

 

They’d seen it before

This was no exception

Her smile would fade

She would lose hope

 

“This happens,” they said

“She won’t survive”

 

But see her, there

Standing by the water

Looking at her reflection

 

When comes the rain

Drop by drop

She’ll take a step

Onto the blue

With that gleam in her eye

 

When comes the rain

Drop by drop

She’ll be dancing

Step by step

Dancing

Dancing on the sea

 

The rain is falling

Down

Down

She’s soaked

Soaked to the bone

 

But there it stops

She bids it halt

The rain

Won’t soak her heart

Her heart

 

When Satan reaches

For her soul

She’ll be dancing

When comes the rain

Drop by drop

She’ll be dancing

And dancing

Dancing

Dancing on the sea.

 

 

Emilino

Picture courtesy psbible.blogspot.com.

The raveled depths

What it is, exactly, I don’t know

I love You so much, from the bottom of my heart

The raveled depths of my being cascading,

beginning to flow,

Coming undone in your presence

I was always Yours, right from the start

 

My miniscule being has come

into Your presence, the One who makes all

My depth was enslaved and lonesome

I longed, I hoped, for something

to break my fall

 

But back then, back there

However long I waited

Nothing came

to break my fall

 

I tried to love things that didn’t love back

Thanks be to You, they did not align

I tried to find white, but instead found black

I couldn’t decipher

the colors entwined

 

My enemies same as my friends

A fog overcoming my soul

To my life, to their life, to too common trends

My back, from the fog, from the black,

out of proportion bends

 

Against circumstance, against, perhaps,

all reason

I needed to call, so I called

For someone, somewhere, out there

anywhere

Doubting, wanting, missing, failing my season

Hoping somebody out there could possibly spare

A moment to lend me a hand

 

From a land unknown to me

You came running on Holy feet

To sweep me up in Holy arms,

Allowing me to see

 

Forever, now, I’ll always know —

Traveling the footsteps of

my Father —

Through the sunlight and the snow —

I love you.

 

Emilino

Pictures courtesy:

dreameranonymous.blogspot.com

iloveyoumagazine.blogspot.com

My depression, my happiness

I told you in my last post that my next post (this one) would be about the time I felt most lost, and the time I felt most happy.

I’d been slowly eaten by depression, up until the night of Tuesday, March 22.  I was wandering much farther than I ever should have dared to wander.  I wandered too far, and I got lost.  My diary entries are filled with the things I wrote at a time that I was convinced I was nothing.  I would lie on my bed and sob and write, because all I could do, then, was spread my tears and ink all over my diary. I spent hours soaking up my gutter.  I hated life.  In a particular entry, I wrote, again and again and again, “I am nothing.  I am nothing.  I am nothing.”  Just that, for a whole page.  I don’t know why I was so angry at myself.  Every time I made a mistake, instead of letting it go and allowing myself to be human every once in a while, I rubbed it in and assured myself that because of this, because I hadn’t finished my homework or forgotten my stuff or not done my chores, I didn’t deserve anything.  I was useless.

My mom’s outbursts didn’t help.  Those two months, for some reason, she seemed particularly bitter.  She seemed completely jaded to all of my insecurity and emptiness and sorrow.  I doubt she really was this way.  But it seemed so to me, at least, since my vision was blurred.  I was watching rain through a stained-glass window.

I normally consider encouragement to help success.  If I’m confident and others are confident in me, and are kind to me and encourage me, I usually do fairly well — or at least, I am content with my completed work.  Because I tried.  And I did it with a good attitude.

But during this phase of my life, I didn’t have a positive outlook on anything.  I told myself that I should do well because I was nothing.  If I didn’t do well, I told myself it was because I was such a useless piece of crap, in the way of everybody else.

This continued until one day, I thought, If I’m so useless, and get in the way of everyone else’s progress, I should just die.

I wanted to die.

I’d told myself I was nothing until I believed myself, and then I thought I should die.

Maybe the only thing that kept me from killing myself was my knowledge of the existence of hell.

I wasn’t sure, not 100%, that I would go to heaven when I died.

Would I go to hell if I committed suicide?

But I kept wanting to die.  I wanted to commit suicide.  But I couldn’t.  Something, something deep deep inside of me — God — said, “No.  No.  No,” every time I said I was nothing.

You aren’t nothing.  You aren’t nothing.  You aren’t nothing.

I didn’t kill myself, obviously.  But all I saw, everywhere I looked, was darkness.

Then came Spring Camp, on March 22.  I went to that camp, what I got from my youth pastor’s first message was this:

When you tell yourself you’re nothing, you are telling Jesus that He died for no reason.

I was sitting on the floor as I listened.  And right there on the floor, right in the middle of his lesson, right in the middle of all those High Schoolers and Junior Highers, right in front of God, I began to cry.

My youth pastor and God had just told me I was COMPLETELY wrong about myself.

And it was the most beautiful news I’d ever heard in my whole entire life.

I WAS NOT NOTHING!

The message ended, and my best friend and I went back to our room and I cried some more.  Then I talked to my youth pastor, and he got our other pastor, and I kept crying.

I wasn’t crying because I was sad.  For the first time in years, I cried because I was so, so, so, so so so so so so so SOOO relieved.

It was like I could finally breathe, finally see, finally hear.  Finally LIVE.

I came home from that camp, and two days later, walked into my friend’s house.  And she looked at me and she knew I was different.  I was better.  I was finally, finally healed.  She told me that she and another friend of mine had gotten really worried about me.  They were concerned about me.  She said they’d been planning on literally sitting down with me and asking what on earth had happened to me.  What on earth was wrong with me.

She said, “I saw you, just now, though, and I knew you were finally okay.”

I was happy.  I was so, so happy.  My friends, and my youth pastor, shared my happiness.  They knew how much I’d changed.

My mom said she’d noticed I was sad, but she hadn’t known I was that sad before.  “I wanted to talk to you,” she said, “but you were so busy pushing me away, I didn’t want to make it worse.”

I was so depressed I had scared my own family away from me.

I had been a plague.

I know that was no mere depression.  “Depression” is an understatement, BIG time.  That was a spiritual attack.  That was Satanic.  That was living death.

But once it ended, I was so happy, I was glowing.  I watched a video my friend took of me after Spring Camp, and I was so different.  I didn’t even LOOK like me.  I looked happy.  And from my experience until then, happy wasn’t something I’d have called myself.  But now, I was certainly happy.

Actually, something I thought described how I felt really well was Psalm chapter 40.  I found it on accident at Spring Camp, and I took it to heart.  It’s become my signature chapter, I think, a chapter that means a LOT to me.

This is part of a passage from my diary, written on Monday, June 6.  Around this time, I was writing A LOT.  In my free time, I wrote in my diary.

“It’s like I can see.  Not just happier.   It’s honestly like I can SEE clearly.  Like the very colors are brighter. […]  All I can say is this–

“I have been saved.”

“It’s just like Psalm 40.  God brought me up out of the darkness and the pit; He heard my cry, and He took my hand and pulled me close and breathed life into me.

“And I can SEE.”

Around that time, a quote popped into my head.  I remembered something we’d read about, in a History book.  It was some book by Albert Marrin (he’s my favorite History writer) and in the prologue, I believe, he’d said he’d found a postcard jammed in the cracks of a war memorial.  On it was written a quote by Aeschylus.  I loved that quote.  I memorized it.  I thought about it when I was saved by God from my depression.  It was this:

“In our sleep, painful memories fall drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom, through the awful grace of God.”

I was relieved.  Completely relieved.  My arched back was straightened, the weight of depression removed from my weak, human shoulders.

One night, I wrote this poem.

 

That used to be me

That dead corpse laid in waste

Long given up on living free

 

I should perhaps have listened

The words on a page just blended

I pulled away when I could have been lifted

 

But then I was struck, and I broke

It’s stupid, but that took me by surprise

I stepped out of that musty cloak

 

You saw me, and You took my shame

Now it weighs me down no more

Now I see, all I did was

Just a game

 

So You took my pieces, and put them together

And now I finally see

It’s best to stay with You forever

 

My life might still be just a moment

But with You, it’s so much more

And You will always love it

 

I might just be a stupid kid

But as long as You’re with me

You’ll wipe away even the

stupidest tears I’ve cried

 

So I’ll reach out to touch You

For my entire life

And even though the devil will allure

 

Through all the pain and all the strife,

You’re here, at my side

And no, You’ll never leave me

 

And even those same hands

That traced the lakes upon the lands

With their time-old fingers

 

Will wrap themselves around my own

And there His presence lingers

So I’ll take off my own crown

 

And lay it at Your feet

Because, my Lord, all that I am

Cannot compare to You.

 

Emilino

 

Pictures courtesy:

emminhakbeca.blogspot.com

buzzle.com

hrushikeshzadgaonkar.wordpress.com

amnottheonlyone.blogspot.com

my.opera.com