Ache for God

 You know, a really amazing thing about God, for me, is that He’s always there. He’s not gonna leave. Ever.

Since someone in my life left (I’m not going to talk about that person in depth right now, but he left and I miss him), it’s been a bit difficult to really love people. I’m scared they’ll leave. And I’ll miss them. So much. So much.

Sometimes it seems too good to be true, that God is always going to be with me, for all eternity. I’ll lay in bed at night, as I fall asleep, and pray, “Don’t ever leave me. Please, God, don’t ever leave me.” I’m desperate to keep Him. Sometimes it feels like He’s all I have.

No matter who leaves, no matter who I miss out of my mind, no matter who I love or who I have a crush on or who hates me or who died, God will always, always be with me. Always. At my side. Holding my hand. My God. He’s beautiful.

I can hang on to God all I want, and I’ll never lose Him. He’s my Father. My Lover. My Comforter. My All. My Savior. My Teacher. My Physician. He’s everything good. Everything.

Sometimes I’ll find myself fantasizing about someone. You know how that is. You watch a romantic movie. You read a romantic book. And you start to fantasize about all that romancey stuff happening to you.

And me, being a junior high girl… well, it ain’t gonna happen anytime soon. I have a crush, but he’s not mine. He probably never will be. I’m not gonna get married anytime soon. So fantasizing about romance is utterly useless. It gets me nothing. All it gets me is a yearning in my heart for something I cannot have. A yearning for someone I cannot have.

I’ll think about my crush, and want him, like I need him. It’s like just by thinking about him, I’m giving myself to him. And that’s stupid, because he doesn’t even know it and he is not mine. But I have this feeling of possessiveness, like I deserve him just because I’ve thought about him so much and been so infatuated with him. But I don’t. I never will. He does not belong to me. He is out of my reach.

And, dang it, that breaks my heart.

It’s so empty. How do some people live their whole lives like that? Yearning for things they cannot have, nursing the heartache they cannot place.

God is the answer. God is the only answer.

And not just romance.

When you look at a breathtakingly gorgeous landscape. Beautiful colors of the sky. A sunset so beautiful it’s almost savage. It’s like you look at it and it just devours your soul.

There’s an ache, there, that I don’t think anyone can describe. The raw beauty of nature, of life. Like you want to take a mental snapshot and keep it there, forever, like a wallpaper in your mind. A deep, deep yearn. A desire.

For what?

For God.

God is beautiful.

 

Okay, I just now searched “God quotes” on Google and clicked on a result on brainyquote.com (love that site, BTW), and I found a quote that I think very well captures what I am trying to say:

That deep emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God.”
~Albert Einstein

Okay, so, I know Albert Einstein was a total atheist. Isn’t it crazy that a quote from an atheist can inspire a better understanding of the beauty of God? Crazy.

Anyway, God is so beautiful it’s like when I look at the sunset, I am experiencing a slice of His glory. I want more of it. I want more of Him.

So when I feel that yearn, that inner ache, toward romance or nature or anything, I turn to God and it’s like He ignites my soul. It’s like that ache is gasoline, and God is setting my existence ablaze with His holy beauty.

When I want my crush, I instead look to God and want Him instead. And you know what’s beautiful about that? I can have Him. I am His. He is mine. There is nothing lost but the bad parts of me, yet all good is gained.

If I want a lover, God will be my Lover. If I want a man, God will be my Man. If nature is beautiful, God is the Creator, and the Creator is so much better than the created. He is infinite. Unchanging. Eternal. Forever.

I take Him for granted so often. I sit there and think how great life would be if I just had that person. You know what I mean?

And there’s God, right there with me, mine to love, and I just forget about Him. I’m so… stupid.

God is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don’t ever want to forget.

God is all I want to yearn for.

When I yearn for God, the yearning is full.

Because I have Him.

And He will never leave me.

 

~Emilino

Picture courtesy blog.uad.ac.id

Please, God, please

I’ve been praying frantically for somebody in my life to get saved.

You know, I pray for everybody.  Not just this one guy.  But it breaks my heart that there are people who will burn in hell when they die.  Even the jerks.  Even the bullies.  Why, Lord, why must they suffer forever?  Why must this happen?  Maybe they deserve it, maybe they’re blocking You out and they’re gonna pay for it, but must You put them through such pain?  Couldn’t You save them?

I know He chose me.  He chooses His people.  We don’t choose Him.  He handpicks us.  And that comforts me that He has chosen me, but it also means there are millions of people out there He has not chosen and never will.

Because He did not choose them, does that mean they have to suffer?  For all eternity?  Isolated from every good thing?  With no rest, no comfort, no trace of Him?

It tears my heart to pieces.  And yes, I understand the logic of it, but the logic does not change the emotion. This tears my heart to PIECES.  Why must you blind yourself?  Don’t you see what you will pay for it?  Don’t you see that there must be consequence for your actions?

And I get that it would be weird to give yourself to a God who seems to so many like a fairy tale, like a crutch for the weak.

But can I ask you this?  So you say God does not exist.

What if you’re right?

Where is hope?  Where will you go?  Will your death be the end of all your existence?  How can you believe that?  What fills your emptiness?  Do you have no comfort?

So God is a crutch for the weak.

Are you not weak?  Are you so strong you need no crutch to lean on?

What love can you turn to?  Other people’s?  Other people die.  Other people change their minds, their hearts.  Other people sin, make mistakes, fall.  They fall.  They fall, and you cannot trust those who fall, can you?  What happens when misfortune occurs?  Where do you turn?

If you don’t open your eyes, you will suffer forever.  With no goodness.  No hope.  Fire.  Rage.  Hatred.  Sadness.  How do you stand the possibility of that?  Science cannot be proven.  What when your world breaks to pieces?  Where do you go?  Who do you cry to?  What when all your family dies?  Who will you have?  What when you die?  What will come of your success?  All you did won’t matter any longer once you die.  What if your life here is terrible, and then you die and turn to nothing?  Is that all the hope you have?  That this life is it, so make the most of it.  That’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

So you blind yourself.  You numb yourself.  You are not experiencing life.  You are experiencing death.  Satan throws his lies your way, and you fall for them.  And why?  Because you have nothing to turn to!  So you turn to Satan!  Why don’t you just turn to God?  God is all things good!  GOD IS YOUR ONLY HOPE!  GOD IS ALL YOU WILL EVER HAVE!  AND YOU TURN YOUR FACE FROM HIM!  WHERE IS YOUR COMFORT, TROUBLED SOUL?  YOU HAVE NONE WITHOUT GOD!  YOU HAVE NONE!

I beg you.  I beg you on my knees.  Take Him.  Take His promise.  Take His word.  Take His love.  His everlasting love that will not fail, not ever, will not ever change, will not make a mistake, not a single one.  He loves you.  He will love you forever.  He will love you even as you burn in the pit of hell if you do not choose Him.

Can you even imagine how much it breaks His heart if it so breaks mine?  Me, and my numbed, guilty conscience, even sees the sadness of your state.  God sees the real picture, the clear vision.  He sees your brokenness, your desperation, and He is knocking on Your heart and you are so blind and deaf you can’t even hear Him.

He is calling out your name to hear Him, to listen to Him.  Can’t you see?  Look.  Just look.  When you look, is it even possible to look away?  He is so beautiful.  So beautiful.

Let Him save you.  He saved me.  He swooped down upon me like an eagle and saved me.  And how can I shut up about it?  About this beauty?

Listen to me!  Listen to Him!

I’m praying for two people in particular.  As well as everybody, and for my strength to keep telling everybody I can about Him even if it they get angry and refuse to listen.

But one guy I know is so sweet.  He’s just so sweet.  I can’t stand to see him go to hell when he dies.  I just can’t.

So I’m praying.  With my face on the floor.  I want him to get saved.  With all of my heart.  I need him to get saved, or I will not rest.  I will not rest until he gets saved.

Lord, how could You refuse him?  How could You?

Save him.  Please, God, my God, save him!  Save him!  Open his eyes to see You!  SAVE HIM!  LORD, SAVE HIM!

~Emilino

Picture courtesy cairnhill.wordpress.com

Song: Prayin For You by Lecrae

At the sight

(My, my, this one is long. Please do your best to stay with me.)

 

When I was a little girl

I saw monsters

Jeering at me at night

In the darkness of my room

When my door came unhinged

And lunged at me

And snow fell from the ceiling

And wolves growled beside my bed

And demons danced around me

 

Maybe they were demons

Maybe I hallucinated

My mom came in one night

When I was crying

Don’t fall in”

I told her

Don’t fall into the crack

In the floor”

 

As I got a bit older

The hallucinations stopped

And were replaced by nightmares

Every night

Like any other little kid

As I started to understand the world

Just a bit more

As I grew up

 

I remember the nightmares

A scorpion the size of a dinner plate

With the face of a woman

I remember

A cobra

Waiting to bite me

As I fell from my top bunk

I remember

Coming home

And the gored body parts

Of my pet hamster

Lying around my house

 

I grew yet older

I remember my best friend

Who turned on me

Because she needed me to stay

And I misunderstood

What she needed

I remember

A head injury at her house

That haunted me

For a reason I still don’t know

And yet it still haunts me

 

I remember

Crying on my bed in the dark

Depressed, hopeless, selfish

Depressed for years

Unending

I don’t remember

The years before

I don’t remember

What it was like

To be young and innocent

And not struggle with depression

 

I remember

Finding God

In that darkness

Hand outstretched

Compassion pouring

From His gaze

And those holy fingers

Opened my eyes

And the nightmares

Had been demons

And the hallucinations

Had been demons

And they fled

When my Lord took hold

Of my heart

 

And I cried

And I cried

And Jesus lifted me from

The darkness of my childhood

Lifted me from

The trauma

Of my head injury

And He’s beautiful

So beautiful

So beautiful

 

His touch

The sweetest

Anywhere

Indescribable

That took my burden

That sat me in His lap

And showed me the beautiful things

In this dark, dark world

 

I grew up

And I changed

And the world changed

And everything changed

And times came

And times went

But God stayed

God stayed

And His love

Sheds light

On darkness

 

And the darkness flees

And the demons run

And Satan pales

And Hell scabs over

 

At the sight

At the sound

At the mention

Of the Lord’s

Beautiful

Love.

 

Emilino

Picture courtesy sciencelearn.org.nz

Song by Phil Wickham courtesy on Youtube.com

It’s about time

I seem to be finding myself drifting lately. I’m not entirely sure why. I get caught up in other things, and I forget God. And I hate it.

Life without Him is empty, and dead. And sometimes it seems like other things can fill up His place, but they can’t. They truly cannot. Nothing can. Nothing but God can fill God’s place. And absolutely nothing can compare to His amazing love. Oh, His amazing love, that we can run into His open arms, what a relief, what a relief! That He will accept our burdens onto His own shoulders, the God of all creation, the One who deserves everything good. How is this, that He would relieve me of my own pain, caused by my own sin?

It’s not something that should be taken lightly, what I’ve been doing. I just pick the right time and place to pay any attention to God. And then, wow, who knew, it doesn’t really feel real when I finally look at Him, after so long apart, simply because it’s my duty. Simply because I don’t want to go to hell when I die.

When I spend less time with God, it seems like that empty time becomes filled with loneliness, with sadness, with yearning and longing. What a fool I am, that I haven’t even learned from my own mistakes. Even knowing everything apart from God is ugly and empty, I still accept worldliness before God.

Why skimp myself of God’s true love? Why run from God’s beautiful eyes, His beautiful arms, His beautiful hands, His beautiful face, His beautiful love? There’s no point. It doesn’t make sense.

I say I love God. Do I really? Do I love God like I claim to?

Sometimes I’m not sure.

And do you know what?

I am sick and tired of not being sure.

It’s time to be sure. It’s time to face God, to love Him, to replace worldly emptiness with Godly fullness. It’s time to turn from terror and let Love wrap His arms around me, and protect me for all eternity. It’s time to quite wanting earthly things and just want God. It’s time to stop filling my head with lies and learn more of the truth. The unshakable, undeniable, infallible Truth of God.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

My Lord.

God, dear God, dear Jesus, dear God, beloved God–

I love You.

 

“His face is more handsome than any other. His eyes are filled with beauty. When He is angry, His eyes burn with nothing but love.

He is strongest. His touch is gentlest. He carries me, He wraps me in His arms and He sings me to sleep. His lullaby is more comforting than any other.

He is perfect. When I call, He runs to my side. He holds my hand, and when my enemies say they hate me, He whispers that He loves me. I love Him. He speaks endless words of comfort. He breathes into me and I want my heart to beat with His.

He is perfect. He is beautiful. I am in love with Him. I am His. He is everything. He is breathtaking. He is awesome. He brings light with every step. He is the peace in all our nightmares. He is the One who loves me. He is my Father.

He is my God.”

~September 17, 2011

 

His voice

That sings me to sleep

His hands

That take in them mine

His arms

That carry me

His shoulder

Rest for my heavy head

His wrists

Pierced because of His love

His brow

Sweat with blood for me

His lips

Breathed life into me

Kiss my sin-pocked face

His spirit

Perfect, deserving of

Much greater than me

His love

Surrounds me, brings me peace

Unfailing, never-ending

I do not deserve it

It is mine.

~September 25, 2011

I feel like although God isn’t taking all the pain away, He is sharing the burden, and He is just pouring these immense feelings of love onto me. This love, this love of God, that just makes me want to fall on my face and sob. He loves me so much. He loves me so much. And I do that. I bow my head to the floor and I cry. I cry because oh, oh, this love, this holy love, this powerful love, this love that fills my senses and I cannot yet begin to fathom His awesome love.

God. God. Father. Lord. His is a name filled with power, filled with wonder. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who was. Who is. Who is to come.”

~September 27, 2011

 

Emilino

 

Pictures courtesy:

cosmosmagazine.com

theemptiness.info

fiery-eyes.tumblr.com

Song and video by Leeland courtesy Youtube.com

Hope

I saw a guy singing on the sidewalk
Strumming his guitar on the streets of San Francisco
I liked him and he seemed sweet, so I gave him a quarter
And then he winked at me

I saw a girl sitting on a fencepost
Staring at the sky in the early morning
I don’t have a clue what she goes through
But my heart went out to her

I saw a fish die at the pet store
Racking his body with each gasp for breath
I wished I could save him, but I couldn’t have come in time
Just a fish, but it was a life

Sometimes I want to save every life I see
Don’t know what stops me, maybe I’m self-conscious
Give a sandwich to every homeless man
But I can’t, not really

There’s hope fluttering in the air, can’t you see it
Don’t know how anyone can’t
I want to save every singer on the sidewalk
I want to save every dying fish

Wonder what would happen if we all trusted that Jesus would
Would He save every dying fish
Would He save the man who winked at me

Jesus, can you make them see
Jesus, can you heal disease
Jesus, can you open their eyes
Jesus, just today, don’t let anyone die

I know it’s impossible for me to do this
I don’t know what to do with this compassion
For the sake of the man on the sidewalk
Believe, please believe, if just this once!

 

Emilino

Sidewalk photo courtesy http://www.ci.highland.il.u

Beauty

In my darkness, I saw You. Standing right before me, exposed in almost too much glory for me to handle. Hanging on that cross. How does that even make sense? To me, it doesn’t. I’m not even capable of that much love. And when I saw that, knew who You were, what You’d done, how much You love my crappy human soul, I could hardly bear it. I cried and cried and cried, because You were so beautiful and I wasn’t and I’d never even had a clue until then. I’d wasted all these years.

And that vision of You on that ugly, dirty cross was so very forcefully, savagely, unnervingly beautiful that I felt like my entire soul was just melting before You. Your love, Your love, Your love, Your divine love that asked for my heart and wanted to swallow me whole, so beautiful, beautiful, beautiful – there aren’t any words to fit it in. I keep searching through my mind, trying to come up with some word that can even begin to describe the depth of Your beauty, but I can’t find any. All those sunrises, human romance, music I thought were so beautiful – they’re like corpses in comparison to You.

And I want to just throw myself into You, throw myself on the ground before You, oh Jesus, Jesus, anything, anything; I could DIE before You and be happy. It’s all I ever want to do, just see more and more and more of You, and You never get old, You’re so amazing, so breathtaking, so beautiful, and my heart flutters like a butterfly every time I think of You. I could say it’s like a romance, but that doesn’t do it justice. Every romance has its drawbacks. But Yours? Your romance has none. Your romance is nothing but good.

I don’t see how anyone lives without You. I did, for a while, but I wasn’t really living. I was just surviving. I had no joy, no love. I was dead, gone, exhausted, afflicted, destitute, despairing, and I had no hope. Because You’re hope, I realize that now. You’re hope. You’re love. You’re mercy. You’re good. You’re everything that’s ever been good.

So to the world, what can I say?

You guys are living in destruction.

Beauty is just waiting for you with open arms, to take you in and hold you tight and never let you go.

His name is Jesus, God, Lord, Yahweh, Messiah, Father, Dad, Daddy —

Love.

 

Emilino

Pictures courtesy firstcovers.com and lighterblonde.deviantart.com.