Beauty

In my darkness, I saw You. Standing right before me, exposed in almost too much glory for me to handle. Hanging on that cross. How does that even make sense? To me, it doesn’t. I’m not even capable of that much love. And when I saw that, knew who You were, what You’d done, how much You love my crappy human soul, I could hardly bear it. I cried and cried and cried, because You were so beautiful and I wasn’t and I’d never even had a clue until then. I’d wasted all these years.

And that vision of You on that ugly, dirty cross was so very forcefully, savagely, unnervingly beautiful that I felt like my entire soul was just melting before You. Your love, Your love, Your love, Your divine love that asked for my heart and wanted to swallow me whole, so beautiful, beautiful, beautiful – there aren’t any words to fit it in. I keep searching through my mind, trying to come up with some word that can even begin to describe the depth of Your beauty, but I can’t find any. All those sunrises, human romance, music I thought were so beautiful – they’re like corpses in comparison to You.

And I want to just throw myself into You, throw myself on the ground before You, oh Jesus, Jesus, anything, anything; I could DIE before You and be happy. It’s all I ever want to do, just see more and more and more of You, and You never get old, You’re so amazing, so breathtaking, so beautiful, and my heart flutters like a butterfly every time I think of You. I could say it’s like a romance, but that doesn’t do it justice. Every romance has its drawbacks. But Yours? Your romance has none. Your romance is nothing but good.

I don’t see how anyone lives without You. I did, for a while, but I wasn’t really living. I was just surviving. I had no joy, no love. I was dead, gone, exhausted, afflicted, destitute, despairing, and I had no hope. Because You’re hope, I realize that now. You’re hope. You’re love. You’re mercy. You’re good. You’re everything that’s ever been good.

So to the world, what can I say?

You guys are living in destruction.

Beauty is just waiting for you with open arms, to take you in and hold you tight and never let you go.

His name is Jesus, God, Lord, Yahweh, Messiah, Father, Dad, Daddy —

Love.

 

Emilino

Pictures courtesy firstcovers.com and lighterblonde.deviantart.com.

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Everything has a purpose.

One thing I really love about being a Christian is knowing that everything has a purpose.  God isn’t gonna put us through a bunch of crappy stuff just for the heck of it.  He’s a kind God; He wants our lives to turn out well in the end.  He doesn’t want to torture us, or make us suffer, or depress us.  He wants us to be happy.

Everything He does for and to us is intended to be good for us.  But we can be pretty stupid.  Maybe not stupid, per say — not in every occasion — but we just don’t get it a lot of the time.  God goes through a lot of trouble to make us understand what He’s trying to say.  He became human and died so we’d understand.  But after all the trouble He’s gone to, we still don’t.  We still can’t see.

So sometimes, we think something is bad just because we took it the wrong way.

Because everything has a point to it, I know that when I’m going through something really hard, I should just try to understand what God is saying, and get through the rough times.  I know that if I do that, it’s gonna turn out all right in the end, and maybe even a little better than that.  I’ve learned something from the tough times.

As long as I stick with God, everything’s gonna be alright.  As long as I do what God wants me to, everything is good.

Thing is, most of the time I don’t do what God wants me to do.  And I think that’s when really bad stuff starts to happen.  We twist everything out of proportion, Satan eggs us on, and then we find ourselves in a really bad scenario that clearly is not from God.

And personally, I don’t think that kind of thing can be avoided.  I can try not to sin, and I can not sin for a little while, but I am going to sin eventually, even if I’m on a really amazing spiritual high.

So, in that case, spiritual highs aren’t gonna last forever, but neither are spiritual lows.

God does all things for the good of those who love Him and keep His commandments.

I don’t want to live thinking everything is a coincidence.

So I’ll stick with God.

 

 

Emilino

Pictures courtesy favim.com and hcprojectjournal.blogspot.com

She’ll be dancing

Forgive me for waiting so long to post something new.  And yes, it IS another poem.  Really.  I sincerely apologize.

But anyway, this scene has been playing in my mind a lot lately.  The scene of a girl dancing on water, in perfect joy despite her circumstances.  I sort of want to be like that.  I think everyone does.  We all want to be happy amid crisis.  And so, my poem.

 

Everyone said

She couldn’t believe

Everyone said

Her faith wouldn’t last

 

They’d seen it before

This was no exception

Her smile would fade

She would lose hope

 

“This happens,” they said

“She won’t survive”

 

But see her, there

Standing by the water

Looking at her reflection

 

When comes the rain

Drop by drop

She’ll take a step

Onto the blue

With that gleam in her eye

 

When comes the rain

Drop by drop

She’ll be dancing

Step by step

Dancing

Dancing on the sea

 

The rain is falling

Down

Down

She’s soaked

Soaked to the bone

 

But there it stops

She bids it halt

The rain

Won’t soak her heart

Her heart

 

When Satan reaches

For her soul

She’ll be dancing

When comes the rain

Drop by drop

She’ll be dancing

And dancing

Dancing

Dancing on the sea.

 

 

Emilino

Picture courtesy psbible.blogspot.com.

The raveled depths

What it is, exactly, I don’t know

I love You so much, from the bottom of my heart

The raveled depths of my being cascading,

beginning to flow,

Coming undone in your presence

I was always Yours, right from the start

 

My miniscule being has come

into Your presence, the One who makes all

My depth was enslaved and lonesome

I longed, I hoped, for something

to break my fall

 

But back then, back there

However long I waited

Nothing came

to break my fall

 

I tried to love things that didn’t love back

Thanks be to You, they did not align

I tried to find white, but instead found black

I couldn’t decipher

the colors entwined

 

My enemies same as my friends

A fog overcoming my soul

To my life, to their life, to too common trends

My back, from the fog, from the black,

out of proportion bends

 

Against circumstance, against, perhaps,

all reason

I needed to call, so I called

For someone, somewhere, out there

anywhere

Doubting, wanting, missing, failing my season

Hoping somebody out there could possibly spare

A moment to lend me a hand

 

From a land unknown to me

You came running on Holy feet

To sweep me up in Holy arms,

Allowing me to see

 

Forever, now, I’ll always know —

Traveling the footsteps of

my Father —

Through the sunlight and the snow —

I love you.

 

Emilino

Pictures courtesy:

dreameranonymous.blogspot.com

iloveyoumagazine.blogspot.com

My depression, my happiness

I told you in my last post that my next post (this one) would be about the time I felt most lost, and the time I felt most happy.

I’d been slowly eaten by depression, up until the night of Tuesday, March 22.  I was wandering much farther than I ever should have dared to wander.  I wandered too far, and I got lost.  My diary entries are filled with the things I wrote at a time that I was convinced I was nothing.  I would lie on my bed and sob and write, because all I could do, then, was spread my tears and ink all over my diary. I spent hours soaking up my gutter.  I hated life.  In a particular entry, I wrote, again and again and again, “I am nothing.  I am nothing.  I am nothing.”  Just that, for a whole page.  I don’t know why I was so angry at myself.  Every time I made a mistake, instead of letting it go and allowing myself to be human every once in a while, I rubbed it in and assured myself that because of this, because I hadn’t finished my homework or forgotten my stuff or not done my chores, I didn’t deserve anything.  I was useless.

My mom’s outbursts didn’t help.  Those two months, for some reason, she seemed particularly bitter.  She seemed completely jaded to all of my insecurity and emptiness and sorrow.  I doubt she really was this way.  But it seemed so to me, at least, since my vision was blurred.  I was watching rain through a stained-glass window.

I normally consider encouragement to help success.  If I’m confident and others are confident in me, and are kind to me and encourage me, I usually do fairly well — or at least, I am content with my completed work.  Because I tried.  And I did it with a good attitude.

But during this phase of my life, I didn’t have a positive outlook on anything.  I told myself that I should do well because I was nothing.  If I didn’t do well, I told myself it was because I was such a useless piece of crap, in the way of everybody else.

This continued until one day, I thought, If I’m so useless, and get in the way of everyone else’s progress, I should just die.

I wanted to die.

I’d told myself I was nothing until I believed myself, and then I thought I should die.

Maybe the only thing that kept me from killing myself was my knowledge of the existence of hell.

I wasn’t sure, not 100%, that I would go to heaven when I died.

Would I go to hell if I committed suicide?

But I kept wanting to die.  I wanted to commit suicide.  But I couldn’t.  Something, something deep deep inside of me — God — said, “No.  No.  No,” every time I said I was nothing.

You aren’t nothing.  You aren’t nothing.  You aren’t nothing.

I didn’t kill myself, obviously.  But all I saw, everywhere I looked, was darkness.

Then came Spring Camp, on March 22.  I went to that camp, what I got from my youth pastor’s first message was this:

When you tell yourself you’re nothing, you are telling Jesus that He died for no reason.

I was sitting on the floor as I listened.  And right there on the floor, right in the middle of his lesson, right in the middle of all those High Schoolers and Junior Highers, right in front of God, I began to cry.

My youth pastor and God had just told me I was COMPLETELY wrong about myself.

And it was the most beautiful news I’d ever heard in my whole entire life.

I WAS NOT NOTHING!

The message ended, and my best friend and I went back to our room and I cried some more.  Then I talked to my youth pastor, and he got our other pastor, and I kept crying.

I wasn’t crying because I was sad.  For the first time in years, I cried because I was so, so, so, so so so so so so so SOOO relieved.

It was like I could finally breathe, finally see, finally hear.  Finally LIVE.

I came home from that camp, and two days later, walked into my friend’s house.  And she looked at me and she knew I was different.  I was better.  I was finally, finally healed.  She told me that she and another friend of mine had gotten really worried about me.  They were concerned about me.  She said they’d been planning on literally sitting down with me and asking what on earth had happened to me.  What on earth was wrong with me.

She said, “I saw you, just now, though, and I knew you were finally okay.”

I was happy.  I was so, so happy.  My friends, and my youth pastor, shared my happiness.  They knew how much I’d changed.

My mom said she’d noticed I was sad, but she hadn’t known I was that sad before.  “I wanted to talk to you,” she said, “but you were so busy pushing me away, I didn’t want to make it worse.”

I was so depressed I had scared my own family away from me.

I had been a plague.

I know that was no mere depression.  “Depression” is an understatement, BIG time.  That was a spiritual attack.  That was Satanic.  That was living death.

But once it ended, I was so happy, I was glowing.  I watched a video my friend took of me after Spring Camp, and I was so different.  I didn’t even LOOK like me.  I looked happy.  And from my experience until then, happy wasn’t something I’d have called myself.  But now, I was certainly happy.

Actually, something I thought described how I felt really well was Psalm chapter 40.  I found it on accident at Spring Camp, and I took it to heart.  It’s become my signature chapter, I think, a chapter that means a LOT to me.

This is part of a passage from my diary, written on Monday, June 6.  Around this time, I was writing A LOT.  In my free time, I wrote in my diary.

“It’s like I can see.  Not just happier.   It’s honestly like I can SEE clearly.  Like the very colors are brighter. […]  All I can say is this–

“I have been saved.”

“It’s just like Psalm 40.  God brought me up out of the darkness and the pit; He heard my cry, and He took my hand and pulled me close and breathed life into me.

“And I can SEE.”

Around that time, a quote popped into my head.  I remembered something we’d read about, in a History book.  It was some book by Albert Marrin (he’s my favorite History writer) and in the prologue, I believe, he’d said he’d found a postcard jammed in the cracks of a war memorial.  On it was written a quote by Aeschylus.  I loved that quote.  I memorized it.  I thought about it when I was saved by God from my depression.  It was this:

“In our sleep, painful memories fall drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom, through the awful grace of God.”

I was relieved.  Completely relieved.  My arched back was straightened, the weight of depression removed from my weak, human shoulders.

One night, I wrote this poem.

 

That used to be me

That dead corpse laid in waste

Long given up on living free

 

I should perhaps have listened

The words on a page just blended

I pulled away when I could have been lifted

 

But then I was struck, and I broke

It’s stupid, but that took me by surprise

I stepped out of that musty cloak

 

You saw me, and You took my shame

Now it weighs me down no more

Now I see, all I did was

Just a game

 

So You took my pieces, and put them together

And now I finally see

It’s best to stay with You forever

 

My life might still be just a moment

But with You, it’s so much more

And You will always love it

 

I might just be a stupid kid

But as long as You’re with me

You’ll wipe away even the

stupidest tears I’ve cried

 

So I’ll reach out to touch You

For my entire life

And even though the devil will allure

 

Through all the pain and all the strife,

You’re here, at my side

And no, You’ll never leave me

 

And even those same hands

That traced the lakes upon the lands

With their time-old fingers

 

Will wrap themselves around my own

And there His presence lingers

So I’ll take off my own crown

 

And lay it at Your feet

Because, my Lord, all that I am

Cannot compare to You.

 

Emilino

 

Pictures courtesy:

emminhakbeca.blogspot.com

buzzle.com

hrushikeshzadgaonkar.wordpress.com

amnottheonlyone.blogspot.com

my.opera.com